Depression

Every mrning I wake up and wish I am not here...

Its be a mnths, wks and days pass with me wishing it will be the last with no end.

At nght I cry into my pillow with tears down my cheeks. I cried in pain attempting to press the sounds that leave my room coz I dont want my family to hear.
I whisper, Ya allah, Kau ambil la nyawaku.

I feel broken. I feel alone. I feel empty inside. I am in pain and numb at the same time. Felt like a weight on my chest crushing me , crushing my hopes and dreams..

I am a screwed up of who I was.
I constantly lie about how I feel.
 I smile and laugh when I must. I have to maintain relationships else the loneliness will only get worst but my mind knows that the loneliness will only make it even worse. I dont want to unload the hurt I feel onto others.

So, I fake a smile and try to communicate with family and friends.
It is tiring, but I do it.
It is a part of living and for now I must live.
I don’t want to be a burden and I don’t want others to pity

So I complain to him of the pain and sadness I cannot explain.
I keep asking, most times not knwing what to say. Just hoping and praying and wishing from this suffering

Nothing gives me pleasure anymore.
Im so tired, yet no amount of sleep i know my pain is not physical to othrs but my pain is real.

I feel it in every moment. When I sleep, when I eat, when I laugh, when I cry, when I speak

 My pain is hidden .

No one wants to be ard someone who literally filled with such overwhelming sadness.

No one wants to hear how my mind aches every day, that I have given up my hopes and dreams

I wish he would take my life quickly.

My heart hurts every day.

I wish I could take a hold of the heart within me, Maybe then I wouldn’t feel dead inside.

I think of death all the time.  I have never understood suicide. But now I do. I wonder about taking my life. Maybe overdose on my medication or just jump down at a higher building .

but now a physical burden to my family. But the truth is, I am still too scared of Allah and the hell fire of neraka to ever commit such a sin.

 I know suicide is not an option.

The two or three people that know cannot empathsize.

They only offer support when I reach out to them but I don’t want to be a burden.

when i say I’m okay, that I’m not okay? Can’t they put themselves in my shoes?

Im so desperately want someone to save me, yet I know only I can save myself. I can use the help of faith, of family, of friends, but only I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and hope to reach it one day.

People say Don’t worry, trust Allah. This is just a phase. You’ll get over this.Be thankful for your life. You are not dying.

But I feel like why cant they understand?

But they dont know is a battle that only the strongest will win.

Please forgive me for the broken promises and the little changes that make us our relationship wreck .

The regret that kills me I am miserable, and i don’t know how to tell anyone. The smile i force hides a world of pain .

 Notice the fake smile and the blank stares and ask, “Are you okay?”

Yeah, I’m just tired.

 Yes i am not religious enough. Im nothing and im all alone.

I know im selfish, but you are what I need now. And I do not want someone to tell me to be thankful.

 I ask Him to forgive me for feeling how I feel. I tell Him how hurt I am and how ungrateful I feel. I ask Him why I feel like this. I ask Him to help me.

Yesterday i was in a mess crying hopelessly . Please forgive me ? Im in despair . I dont want to suffer from this illness any longer . I understand its a long and draggy post but please dont ignore me .

NORFAGHIRA RAFFI